POKEMON EVENT!!!

Man The Harpoons...We're Gonna Need Two!

Things Dan Khazem taught me today

-The bigger the belt the bigger the slut
-DUFF is code word for Dumb Ugly Fat Friend
-How to love

When I was a little kid my family would take the trip up to my cousin’s house for holidays and such. We would always stop at a White Castle before we hit the Parkway. Needless to say I had pretty good memories of the place from when I was younger. Childhood prepare to be raped, it turns out that White Castle is a vile sub-human shit hole where you can apparently “slam a case of burgers into your face hole” I haven’t been there for a few years now, and after today I don’t think that I’m going to be going back for a few more. Sure the idea of eating some mini patties sounds solid on paper, but seriously walk into one of those places and tell me you don’t get the odd feeling that you have the highest IQ by a sold forty or fifty points. The workers under the employ of “The Castle” are on par with your average household cat… I can never tell if they are just too dumb to help me, or are straight up ignoring me. Dan and I just left after about five minutes of waiting, we had better things in store.

Namely, it was time to hit up the batting cages. I use the term "hit" loosely because the experience reminded me of why I played basketball as a kid. I have no eye for hitting a ball, apparently neither does Dan. I was like sure let me get in there and show up these little leaguers here. WRONG. I should have followed the lead of the guy in the Yarmulke and went to the slow pitch softball cage… That man was hitting homers left and right while I was busy letting the air around the ball know that I was reallly angry at it.

What would possibly go well with a day of creepy fast food workers and creepier grown men slamming a softball? Why creeping at the beach duh! I grabbed up Bill and Dan and we were off. Arriving shortly after sun set we descended upon Jenkenson’s where we would, as Bill puts it, “make Zeus suck our dicks”.

The first thing I wanted to do was check out the water. I had the explicit purpose of getting to the beach to swim my way over there and punch out some Frenchies but that never really worked out. Instead a mean wave chased me back up on the shore. That wave really was mean, I even think it was mumbling some racial slur as it receded back into the darkness. After that it was straight to the arcade.

Did you know that Dan is an asshole who likes to lose the puck from your game of air hockey behind a DDR machine? Well he is, and he did just that when we played together. I found it in the end but come on, people were giving me the whats up with that kid face. Not cool Dan. Bill found his way to the Slam-A-Winner machine he loves so much. We had a conversation later about slamming losers... I think Bill is secretly on a mission to slam every loser on the globe. A true American hero! anyway, after fucking around on that machine for a few minutes he insisted that it was rigged and sucked. However, Bill is a man of fortitude. He soldiered on and by some odd twist of fate
he ended up hitting the Jackpot after the ball got stuck in between the wall and rotating part, therefore forcing the ball up into the jackpot hole. Suck it machine, suck it hard!

The last adventure of the night involved the unsuspecting Sean Hug-Hess. You see, Sean was at the very same beach he just didn’t know that we were there… He even walked right past us in his Orange shirt without seeing us creeping on him. I had been texting him before he got there and I think our conversation went something like this-

Me: Sean whats up? I love you
Sean: I love you too I'm going to the beach and just got here
Me: why aren't you holding hands with Emily?
Sean: Fuck Youuuuuu! >=[

The poor Sean looked angry enough that it was actually palpable. Just look at that picture he had the I want to kill you face on for sure. Hand in pocket, general piss off scowl, at least Emily looked happy. The car ride home sure was awkward, Dan kept insisting that the Golden Oreos are not real Oreos. Straight up, he's wrong. We also investigated the possibility of being able to suck our own wangs. Dan and I determined that even if we could, we wouldn't want to... too many.. ew I'm done typing this now.

Tl;dnr- White Castle blows, Baseball is not for me, Bill>Slam-A-Winner, Sean is probably pissed off now, and I can’t suck my wang… That’s what your mom is for.

Later Jerks,
-Garrett

Fast Times At Aquarium High

Hey! Did you know that you can still find Little Caesars pizza in New Jersey? Me either! A quick Wikipedia search tells me that they have stores in just about 30 nations, go them. Anyway onto my life as a super rad post college graduate living at home!

Today my travels brought me to the lovely Camden Aquarium located in beautiful Camden New Jersey…whatever, at least they speak English there…mostly. Seriously though I am a huge fan of looking at weird shit from the safety of a glass divide, so this place was right up my alley. You like fish? They got fish. You like amphibians? They got amphibians, You like sea mammals? They got that too. Much to my surprise they even had a stately Axolotl or two ( I herd you lyke Mudkipz?)

There were sea turtles, sharks, and fishes living together, getting it on, and all together just swimming around in a giant pool of their own excrement! Excitement abound!

I got to sit on a giant metal turtle where I fell asleep in short order. I can see the appeal of sunning yourself on a piece of hot metal, and I had plans of staying all day but I think that other aquarium goers wanted to use the turtle for their “dark work”. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and continued on my journey.
It brought me to a tunnel that was made entirely of glass. There were sharks hanging around eating stuff. There were also crying babies. I couldn’t help but wish that the whole tube would break and just flood the whole building… one can dream can’t one?


I continued on and found a tank pull of piranha fish. Let’s just say that they were lucky they were behind that glass… stupid fish think they’re so tough.

After awhile the time for fish looking was over and it was time for some badassery. As it turns out I am a wild animal petting motherfucker, like no for real I believe I have ascended to that level of skill. I pet the shit out of a bunch of sea creatures. Let’s list them shall we? First up are sharks, like a million of them. I’m willing to bet that some of them had sharp teeth that they could have used to bite me if I didn’t own them so hard with my opposable thumb. Mollie got to pet some sharks as well. She’s a pretty tough girl as it turns out.

Second, there was a fuck-ton of sting rays. I’m sure you all remember that stingrays, aside from killing a man who wrestled crocodiles for a living has been defined on urbandictionary.com as “biting another mans scrotum during intercourse”… If that’s not risky and hardcore I don’t know what is. No worries though, as you can clearly see I showed those stingrays what was up. Please note that Mollie also touched a sting ray. She used that opposable thumb we spoke about earlier(even if you can't see it in this picture!) There were also horseshoe crabs in a tank in the corner; however they were neither horses nor were they wearing shoes… what a gyp!

Next up I got my hand on some jellyfish. I can say with certainty that I have never had the opportunity to coddle a human heart after I ripped it out of someones chest, but if I had I’m sure that getting a hold of that jellyfish was extremely similar. The girl working the tank told me that he wasn’t able to sting me but I have a feeling she was lying (two reasons, one: Never trust someone who tucks their pants into their socks. And two: Scientific studies that took place via the internet have shown beyond a doubt that jellyfish are natures douche bag. Floating around the ocean looking for some shit they can fuck with. Basically they just want to sting you to be an ass.)

My last touch tank adventure took me over to some sort of tidal pool type scenario. I was really feeling the old man working the tanks sweet cookie duster, and I was dead set on becoming one with my aquatic side so I touched all kinds of gross-ass soft sea cucumbers, blue starfish, some shit that looked like Whoopi Goldberg’s hair, and odd mucus covered sea anemones.

Truly I am the master of touching gross sea animals. If you don’t believe me just ask your mom.

Til' next time jerks!
-Garrett

Crabbing Adventure Images

Hey Everybody!

Didn't get a chance to tag all of these images yet. But here is a portion of the crabbing adventure! Stay tuned though still have another 10 or so images of the actual cooking of the crabs to upload. Also more posts soon on Go Carts, Golf, Food Truck festival, and homemade fried chicken and mac and cheese. YUM! I know I couldn't be having any more fun anywhere in the world!




Oh P.S. I changed the blog template so the flickr slidr would play nice! Hope you guys don't mind!

Scotland Sucks

And so does Switzerland.

May 28th: CRAB BATTLE!

Woke up early as hell (8:30am xfd) so that I could go grab Mr. Eric Winkelspecht and bring him to Justine's house. From here, we met up with the other crabby crabbers (Jonb, Steven, and Justine of course). We all drove over to Bayville in Steven's car, and we soon arrived at the house. We greeted Nick, as well as the 2 awesome puppies and FAWKES OF COURSE! :D

Next order of business was to go get food, both for ourselves and for the crabs to eat. If only feeding ourselves was as easy as feeding the crabs, which took about two seconds to decide on raw chicken. After what seemed like an eternity of throwing out random suggestions including everything from Chinese to Japanese to some diner we shouldn't eat at, we settled on buying stuff from Shoprite, although I (Bill) went to a pizza place next to Shoprite and ate some delicious pizza.

After this, we were finally on our way to go crabbing. With Fawkes at our side, we arrived at the park, excited to catch a bunch of crabs and eat them. However, we went a bit early to really cash in on the little bastards, although we still did pretty well. We caught somewhere around 25 keepers, a ton of babies we threw back, a blowfish (that almost exploded everywhere, killing us all), a would have been delicious eel if we kept it, and 2 very large horseshoe crabs, one as big as the trap itself. Those were quite cool, although the smaller one fell off once we pulled the trap out of the water. We took a lot of cool pictures of this trip too, which I hope to one day put into the blog, or maybe someone else will since it's accessible to the other non-Europe people. Oh, we also caught a Kraken, but we collectively decided that we were the cork that would keep that evil contained forever.



Dan eventually joined us, and after another hour or so we packed up our traps (but not before putting all of the leftover chicken in one trap and trying our luck with a megatrap). We headed to Shoprite to pick up supplies, and then back to the house, where we prepared a delicious meal consisting of steak, hotdogs, potatoes, broccoli, mac and cheese, and of course, CRAB! Apparently Nick overcooked it or something and it wasn't as good as it should have been. Personally, I found more enjoyment out of the actual crabbing process than any of the preparation or eating.

Following dinner was desert, and we stopped at some ice cream place that won some fancy award or something. They had a toasted coconut ice cream that was amazing! Enjoying our ice cream, we headed to Seaside to go to the boardwalk. Little did we know that while it wasn't prime crab season, guido season was in full effect. We wandered around a sea of Snookies before heading into an arcade and winning laser pointers, shock flashlights ("Here Dan, make sure it works"), some sweet retractable comb thing, and like 200,000 Chinese finger traps. The arcade made Seaside a success in my opinion.

Heading back to the house to drop Nick off, we got lost due to Dan's GPS, which kept insisting that we turn down a one-way road. Dan became so enraged that he unleashed on his steering wheel. We tried using my GPS, and it initially humored us by telling us to turn right... 4 times in a row. That thing was really intent on being right. We got back, dropped Nick off, and then headed back to Justine's house where we all went our separate ways. Minus the intense sunburn, made even worse by the haircut Garrett gave me the day before, it was overall a great day, and I can only hope we go crabbing again during prime crabbing season.

Oh and the pink trap = god.

End.

Belgium Blows

And so does Pat.

May 26th: We had quite a good day, such a good day that Pat Hughes will wish he never flew himself over to Shitfuck to backpack for a month (this can't wait a month).

First we got the staple of our summer in New Jersey, TACO FUCKING BELL. We referred to Bill, Wink, and Sean. The T-bell was absolutely delicious as usual, and way better than walking around Europe (XFD only takes 1 day to do everything there...)

After T-bell we did the unthinkable... Rode scooters around SEAN'S development (Suck it Pat). Sean roller-bladed for a bit, while wearing a tie and looking retarded. We went to the top of the hill and rode all the way down, going faster than it takes Dan to discover all of Rome (second jab at that). We went back up a second time, myself on a bike, and the others on scooters, but our roll down the hill wasn't quite as fast as it could have been thanks to... THE ICE CREAM LADY. Upon hearing and seeing this truck, we began having a tropical themed party in the streets, with the ice cream lady providing us the perfect music to party to. Andrew W.K. would be proud. We got our flavored ices and headed back to the (Sean) Hughes House, where we would chill out in the basement and relax before having even MORE fun.

---Real Life Punch-Out!---

That more fun came in the form of taking a quick ride over to Camp Joy and hitting a few baseballs. Wink kept hitting them so friggin far it was ridiculous, and Sean did pretty good too. I myself played baseball about as well as the Yankees (XFD suck it Yankees). After hitting baseballs and losing baseballs and then searching for them we wandered over to the playground, and eventually to the swings. We got some sweet action shots of us jumping off the swings and of Wink and Sean doing midair high fives (although we couldn't get a good picture of it). Sean also climbed a tree up to some insane height that only Jonb could surpass. After some tasty beverages and strawberry chewies, Wink was driven home and I was eventually driven home as well.

May 27th: There was a mall trip with Wink, Garrett, and Dan. There was also T-bell. Oh sweet glorious T-bell. We're living up to that promise of getting T-bell almost every day so far. Oh and before the t-bell, Garrett cut my hair off! We were going to keep the hair clippings and make jackbeards out of them but we didn't for some reason.

LOST

London is Lame

And so is Dave.

Birthday RTM was excellent. Despite being a smaller group it was a more personal group, and I had a ton of fun. Very grateful for my friends, and grateful to Dan for bringing ice cream cake last minute. I'm also glad Jason had cake with us. That guy rocks. 24 rocked. Excellent day. A+++++++ WOULD DO AGAIN!!!