Thursday, June 10, 2010

Fast Times At Aquarium High

Hey! Did you know that you can still find Little Caesars pizza in New Jersey? Me either! A quick Wikipedia search tells me that they have stores in just about 30 nations, go them. Anyway onto my life as a super rad post college graduate living at home!

Today my travels brought me to the lovely Camden Aquarium located in beautiful Camden New Jersey…whatever, at least they speak English there…mostly. Seriously though I am a huge fan of looking at weird shit from the safety of a glass divide, so this place was right up my alley. You like fish? They got fish. You like amphibians? They got amphibians, You like sea mammals? They got that too. Much to my surprise they even had a stately Axolotl or two ( I herd you lyke Mudkipz?)

There were sea turtles, sharks, and fishes living together, getting it on, and all together just swimming around in a giant pool of their own excrement! Excitement abound!

I got to sit on a giant metal turtle where I fell asleep in short order. I can see the appeal of sunning yourself on a piece of hot metal, and I had plans of staying all day but I think that other aquarium goers wanted to use the turtle for their “dark work”. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and continued on my journey.
It brought me to a tunnel that was made entirely of glass. There were sharks hanging around eating stuff. There were also crying babies. I couldn’t help but wish that the whole tube would break and just flood the whole building… one can dream can’t one?

I continued on and found a tank pull of piranha fish. Let’s just say that they were lucky they were behind that glass… stupid fish think they’re so tough.

After awhile the time for fish looking was over and it was time for some badassery. As it turns out I am a wild animal petting motherfucker, like no for real I believe I have ascended to that level of skill. I pet the shit out of a bunch of sea creatures. Let’s list them shall we? First up are sharks, like a million of them. I’m willing to bet that some of them had sharp teeth that they could have used to bite me if I didn’t own them so hard with my opposable thumb. Mollie got to pet some sharks as well. She’s a pretty tough girl as it turns out.

Second, there was a fuck-ton of sting rays. I’m sure you all remember that stingrays, aside from killing a man who wrestled crocodiles for a living has been defined on as “biting another mans scrotum during intercourse”… If that’s not risky and hardcore I don’t know what is. No worries though, as you can clearly see I showed those stingrays what was up. Please note that Mollie also touched a sting ray. She used that opposable thumb we spoke about earlier(even if you can't see it in this picture!) There were also horseshoe crabs in a tank in the corner; however they were neither horses nor were they wearing shoes… what a gyp!

Next up I got my hand on some jellyfish. I can say with certainty that I have never had the opportunity to coddle a human heart after I ripped it out of someones chest, but if I had I’m sure that getting a hold of that jellyfish was extremely similar. The girl working the tank told me that he wasn’t able to sting me but I have a feeling she was lying (two reasons, one: Never trust someone who tucks their pants into their socks. And two: Scientific studies that took place via the internet have shown beyond a doubt that jellyfish are natures douche bag. Floating around the ocean looking for some shit they can fuck with. Basically they just want to sting you to be an ass.)

My last touch tank adventure took me over to some sort of tidal pool type scenario. I was really feeling the old man working the tanks sweet cookie duster, and I was dead set on becoming one with my aquatic side so I touched all kinds of gross-ass soft sea cucumbers, blue starfish, some shit that looked like Whoopi Goldberg’s hair, and odd mucus covered sea anemones.

Truly I am the master of touching gross sea animals. If you don’t believe me just ask your mom.

Til' next time jerks!

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