Saturday, June 12, 2010


Hey everybody!

So if you noticed down below are two posts that Tristan put up. They are strictly pictures so I figured I'd do an update and talk a little bit about the awesomeness/awkwardness that was the Pokemon Video Game Championship! After about two strict weeks of Pokemon training, Tristan and I had been preparing for, we decided that we were as ready as we'd ever be! And so this morning at 9:30 am Tristan, Meagan, and myself departed from our safe comfy homes where we are free from the ridicule of the world to venture out and share our embarrassing love for Pokemon with a bunch of 10 year old children. But to our surprise the demographic of people at the event tended to be kids our age or older. It was a bit of a shock.

We met this kid our age named Alex who was pretty cool. He was hardcore into Pokemon. Like if you know how hard I love Pokemon multiply that times infinity. No lie. He even started his own augmented reality at his college which involved him and about 12 of his friends. Each of his friends became a gym leader and built a team of Pokemon all around one type, i.e. Rock gym, Fire gym, etc. They also had people designated as elite four members and even had a team rocket story line. Once a week they would chill in there designated locations on campus and other Pokemon trainers could challenge them to a battle. If they win, the Gym leader has to give them a badge. Bottom line although it sounded pretty nerdy it was pretty deep and I enjoyed the thought of taking part in these PokeShenanigans.

After waiting on line for a bajillion hours we were finally let into the event hall where we got to wait on line more. Then after registering our Pokemon we got to wait online to battle. Then after losing our first matches we got to wait on line to exit and be marked with a sharpie on our hands with an X. This was a humiliating shameful reminder that although we worked hard to be the very best we were but scum in comparison to our vast foes.

I received a free shiny Eevee though and a free Pokemon backpack thingy. So all in all it was an undeniably fun extravaganza of Pokefun! So in the words of Gary Oak: Smell Ya Later!




Friday, June 11, 2010

Man The Harpoons...We're Gonna Need Two!

Things Dan Khazem taught me today

-The bigger the belt the bigger the slut
-DUFF is code word for Dumb Ugly Fat Friend
-How to love

When I was a little kid my family would take the trip up to my cousin’s house for holidays and such. We would always stop at a White Castle before we hit the Parkway. Needless to say I had pretty good memories of the place from when I was younger. Childhood prepare to be raped, it turns out that White Castle is a vile sub-human shit hole where you can apparently “slam a case of burgers into your face hole” I haven’t been there for a few years now, and after today I don’t think that I’m going to be going back for a few more. Sure the idea of eating some mini patties sounds solid on paper, but seriously walk into one of those places and tell me you don’t get the odd feeling that you have the highest IQ by a sold forty or fifty points. The workers under the employ of “The Castle” are on par with your average household cat… I can never tell if they are just too dumb to help me, or are straight up ignoring me. Dan and I just left after about five minutes of waiting, we had better things in store.

Namely, it was time to hit up the batting cages. I use the term "hit" loosely because the experience reminded me of why I played basketball as a kid. I have no eye for hitting a ball, apparently neither does Dan. I was like sure let me get in there and show up these little leaguers here. WRONG. I should have followed the lead of the guy in the Yarmulke and went to the slow pitch softball cage… That man was hitting homers left and right while I was busy letting the air around the ball know that I was reallly angry at it.

What would possibly go well with a day of creepy fast food workers and creepier grown men slamming a softball? Why creeping at the beach duh! I grabbed up Bill and Dan and we were off. Arriving shortly after sun set we descended upon Jenkenson’s where we would, as Bill puts it, “make Zeus suck our dicks”.

The first thing I wanted to do was check out the water. I had the explicit purpose of getting to the beach to swim my way over there and punch out some Frenchies but that never really worked out. Instead a mean wave chased me back up on the shore. That wave really was mean, I even think it was mumbling some racial slur as it receded back into the darkness. After that it was straight to the arcade.

Did you know that Dan is an asshole who likes to lose the puck from your game of air hockey behind a DDR machine? Well he is, and he did just that when we played together. I found it in the end but come on, people were giving me the whats up with that kid face. Not cool Dan. Bill found his way to the Slam-A-Winner machine he loves so much. We had a conversation later about slamming losers... I think Bill is secretly on a mission to slam every loser on the globe. A true American hero! anyway, after fucking around on that machine for a few minutes he insisted that it was rigged and sucked. However, Bill is a man of fortitude. He soldiered on and by some odd twist of fatePhotobucket
he ended up hitting the Jackpot after the ball got stuck in between the wall and rotating part, therefore forcing the ball up into the jackpot hole. Suck it machine, suck it hard!

The last adventure of the night involved the unsuspecting Sean Hug-Hess. You see, Sean was at the very same beach he just didn’t know that we were there… He even walked right past us in his Orange shirt without seeing us creeping on him. I had been texting him before he got there and I think our conversation went something like this-

Me: Sean whats up? I love you
Sean: I love you too I'm going to the beach and just got here
Me: why aren't you holding hands with Emily?
Sean: Fuck Youuuuuu! >=[

The poor Sean looked angry enough that it was actually palpable. Just look at that picture he had the I want to kill you face on for sure. Hand in pocket, general piss off scowl, at least Emily looked happy. The car ride home sure was awkward, Dan kept insisting that the Golden Oreos are not real Oreos. Straight up, he's wrong. We also investigated the possibility of being able to suck our own wangs. Dan and I determined that even if we could, we wouldn't want to... too many.. ew I'm done typing this now.

Tl;dnr- White Castle blows, Baseball is not for me, Bill>Slam-A-Winner, Sean is probably pissed off now, and I can’t suck my wang… That’s what your mom is for.

Later Jerks,

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Fast Times At Aquarium High

Hey! Did you know that you can still find Little Caesars pizza in New Jersey? Me either! A quick Wikipedia search tells me that they have stores in just about 30 nations, go them. Anyway onto my life as a super rad post college graduate living at home!

Today my travels brought me to the lovely Camden Aquarium located in beautiful Camden New Jersey…whatever, at least they speak English there…mostly. Seriously though I am a huge fan of looking at weird shit from the safety of a glass divide, so this place was right up my alley. You like fish? They got fish. You like amphibians? They got amphibians, You like sea mammals? They got that too. Much to my surprise they even had a stately Axolotl or two ( I herd you lyke Mudkipz?)

There were sea turtles, sharks, and fishes living together, getting it on, and all together just swimming around in a giant pool of their own excrement! Excitement abound!

I got to sit on a giant metal turtle where I fell asleep in short order. I can see the appeal of sunning yourself on a piece of hot metal, and I had plans of staying all day but I think that other aquarium goers wanted to use the turtle for their “dark work”. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and continued on my journey.
It brought me to a tunnel that was made entirely of glass. There were sharks hanging around eating stuff. There were also crying babies. I couldn’t help but wish that the whole tube would break and just flood the whole building… one can dream can’t one?

I continued on and found a tank pull of piranha fish. Let’s just say that they were lucky they were behind that glass… stupid fish think they’re so tough.

After awhile the time for fish looking was over and it was time for some badassery. As it turns out I am a wild animal petting motherfucker, like no for real I believe I have ascended to that level of skill. I pet the shit out of a bunch of sea creatures. Let’s list them shall we? First up are sharks, like a million of them. I’m willing to bet that some of them had sharp teeth that they could have used to bite me if I didn’t own them so hard with my opposable thumb. Mollie got to pet some sharks as well. She’s a pretty tough girl as it turns out.

Second, there was a fuck-ton of sting rays. I’m sure you all remember that stingrays, aside from killing a man who wrestled crocodiles for a living has been defined on as “biting another mans scrotum during intercourse”… If that’s not risky and hardcore I don’t know what is. No worries though, as you can clearly see I showed those stingrays what was up. Please note that Mollie also touched a sting ray. She used that opposable thumb we spoke about earlier(even if you can't see it in this picture!) There were also horseshoe crabs in a tank in the corner; however they were neither horses nor were they wearing shoes… what a gyp!

Next up I got my hand on some jellyfish. I can say with certainty that I have never had the opportunity to coddle a human heart after I ripped it out of someones chest, but if I had I’m sure that getting a hold of that jellyfish was extremely similar. The girl working the tank told me that he wasn’t able to sting me but I have a feeling she was lying (two reasons, one: Never trust someone who tucks their pants into their socks. And two: Scientific studies that took place via the internet have shown beyond a doubt that jellyfish are natures douche bag. Floating around the ocean looking for some shit they can fuck with. Basically they just want to sting you to be an ass.)

My last touch tank adventure took me over to some sort of tidal pool type scenario. I was really feeling the old man working the tanks sweet cookie duster, and I was dead set on becoming one with my aquatic side so I touched all kinds of gross-ass soft sea cucumbers, blue starfish, some shit that looked like Whoopi Goldberg’s hair, and odd mucus covered sea anemones.

Truly I am the master of touching gross sea animals. If you don’t believe me just ask your mom.

Til' next time jerks!