Things Dan Khazem taught me today
-The bigger the belt the bigger the slut
-DUFF is code word for Dumb Ugly Fat Friend
-How to love
When I was a little kid my family would take the trip up to my cousin’s house for holidays and such. We would always stop at a White Castle before we hit the Parkway. Needless to say I had pretty good memories of the place from when I was younger. Childhood prepare to be raped, it turns out that White Castle is a vile sub-human shit hole where you can apparently “slam a case of burgers into your face hole” I haven’t been there for a few years now, and after today I don’t think that I’m going to be going back for a few more. Sure the idea of eating some mini patties sounds solid on paper, but seriously walk into one of those places and tell me you don’t get the odd feeling that you have the highest IQ by a sold forty or fifty points. The workers under the employ of “The Castle” are on par with your average household cat… I can never tell if they are just too dumb to help me, or are straight up ignoring me. Dan and I just left after about five minutes of waiting, we had better things in store.
Namely, it was time to hit up the batting cages. I use the term "hit" loosely because the experience reminded me of why I played basketball as a kid. I have no eye for hitting a ball, apparently neither does Dan. I was like sure let me get in there and show up these little leaguers here. WRONG. I should have followed the lead of the guy in the Yarmulke and went to the slow pitch softball cage… That man was hitting homers left and right while I was busy letting the air around the ball know that I was reallly angry at it.
What would possibly go well with a day of creepy fast food workers and creepier grown men slamming a softball? Why creeping at the beach duh! I grabbed up Bill and Dan and we were off. Arriving shortly after sun set we descended upon Jenkenson’s where we would, as Bill puts it, “make Zeus suck our dicks”.
The first thing I wanted to do was check out the water. I had the explicit purpose of getting to the beach to swim my way over there and punch out some Frenchies but that never really worked out. Instead a mean wave chased me back up on the shore. That wave really was mean, I even think it was mumbling some racial slur as it receded back into the darkness. After that it was straight to the arcade.
Did you know that Dan is an asshole who likes to lose the puck from your game of air hockey behind a DDR machine? Well he is, and he did just that when we played together. I found it in the end but come on, people were giving me the whats up with that kid face. Not cool Dan. Bill found his way to the Slam-A-Winner machine he loves so much. We had a conversation later about slamming losers... I think Bill is secretly on a mission to slam every loser on the globe. A true American hero! anyway, after fucking around on that machine for a few minutes he insisted that it was rigged and sucked. However, Bill is a man of fortitude. He soldiered on and by some odd twist of fate
he ended up hitting the Jackpot after the ball got stuck in between the wall and rotating part, therefore forcing the ball up into the jackpot hole. Suck it machine, suck it hard!
The last adventure of the night involved the unsuspecting Sean Hug-Hess. You see, Sean was at the very same beach he just didn’t know that we were there… He even walked right past us in his Orange shirt without seeing us creeping on him. I had been texting him before he got there and I think our conversation went something like this-
Me: Sean whats up? I love you
Sean: I love you too I'm going to the beach and just got here
Me: why aren't you holding hands with Emily?
Sean: Fuck Youuuuuu! >=[
The poor Sean looked angry enough that it was actually palpable. Just look at that picture he had the I want to kill you face on for sure. Hand in pocket, general piss off scowl, at least Emily looked happy. The car ride home sure was awkward, Dan kept insisting that the Golden Oreos are not real Oreos. Straight up, he's wrong. We also investigated the possibility of being able to suck our own wangs. Dan and I determined that even if we could, we wouldn't want to... too many.. ew I'm done typing this now.
Tl;dnr- White Castle blows, Baseball is not for me, Bill>Slam-A-Winner, Sean is probably pissed off now, and I can’t suck my wang… That’s what your mom is for.